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Belief and Philosophy Blog Hawai'i Health Self-help

Hawai’i: Health and Eating During COVID 19

To get The Kid through exams I said, hey let’s go to Rainbow Drive In. I’ll be honest, this is where The Kid goes post surf with Uncle N the surf instructor. Uncle N is the main reason that both myself and the Kid are still alive after a year of COVID. You’d think only one of us would have made it through.

Try COVID with a very athletic 13-14 year old. Strategies included installing a punching bag that basically blocks the front door (no other place to put it), ocean nearly every AM  ( a friend took her kid surfing 2x a day to wear him out), and watching stuff like oh…Youtube videos of competitive eating, grilling and frying meat, and hours of Netflix comedy (yes, Dear Reader, I know Kevin Hart and Ronnie Chieng jokes by heart…)

So here is The Kid’s carb load of chicken katsu with rice with green juice.

“Whatever happened to the no sugar healthy thing,” I say.

“Oh, this is special green juice and Uncle N said it is only here in Hawai’i and only in two places and it called Green River. It’s awesome,” says The Kid.

“I thought you were focused on being a health food person.”

“NAH. I figured out I can eat a lot and even a lot of sugar and I’m not losing muscle mass,” says The Kid slurping the green juice down. “My metabolism is good.”

“But it’s your interior health”, I say.

“I’m healthy,” says The Kid.

I had a nice serving of chili over rice.

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Divorce Educators Reading & Writing Self-help

Write Your Divorce Story: Four Steps

There are four steps you need to take or at least strongly consider doing as you ready for divorce. Everyone is different, so understand that I am giving advice based on my personal experience and circumstances. I found there wasn’t much out there for women who were divorcing–unlike the wedding industry.

So here are my four steps:

  1. Legal representation: You need a lawyer, so interview them.
  2. Shared business, financial, and legal documents: Assess what you have shared together–everything from bank accounts to airlines miles and get handle on all joint holdings/assets.
  3. Counseling: Get counseling for yourself and/or your dependents and you may want to seek a counselor for both you and your soon-to-be-ex too about exiting.
  4. Start Writing: Journal and write your divorce story for your legal file. Remember to consult your lawyer about the submission of this document.
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Hawai'i Health Self-help

Hawai’i: Health and Life

Every week I hike the Kokohead Trail. This trail provides a beautiful view once you hit the top, but you are climbing steps up the entire way.

Steep steps. I do it faster or slower, but mostly, I just get up there and speed is not a priority which is good because if it was, I’d never bother with anything. I’m fast small picture, but big picture, I’m kind of slow and do things at my own pace. This means, my goal is overall health, and that takes time.

In December 2020 I was diagnosed with osteoperosis, so I am working now to keep it in check. I’ve also become acutely aware of all aspects of emotional and physical health and prioritize this. This, along with the big D for Death serve to remind me that life is temporal and it is how we move through it that counts.

The other week I was dismayed to find someone was being rescued and with helicoptors overhead, rescue workers trudging up, I thought what happened? Turns out someone is rescued from this trail 3 times a week!

TOURISTS:

If you don’t regularly ascend stairs and keep a cardio rhythm going for about 25-40 minutes, do not try this on your once-in-a-lifetime holiday to Hawai’i! Do not attempt this climb! Every time someone is rescued this costs the average citizen of the state tens of thousands of dollars. We have the highest cost of living here and some of the lowest wages. It makes no sense.

Just for good measure, I will add, if you cannot SWIM, do not go out and rent a surfboard and decide you want to try this!

I feel like sometimes people come here and all logic goes out the window! This is basic common sense. I know you are excited to be here, but be pragmatic so that you can enjoy and avoid rescues and the hospital. $$$

 

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Belief and Philosophy Educators Reading & Writing Self-help Teachers THROB

THROB: Let’s Start with Death

Dear Reader, I’m excited that a second letter from my column THE DOCTOR IS IN is up! The first one ‘Solo Writer’ explains my lens and philosophical outlook that guide my answers. THROB The Hawai’i Review of Books is a brand-new publication and I am honored to be a part of this effort.

If you want to ask a question about writing, literature, craft, process, teaching or creativity –contact me by filling out the form at drstephaniehan.com.

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Belief and Philosophy Blog Educators Reading & Writing Self-help Teachers

Asian Americans: Education, Achievement, and Confucianism

I am writing this because I think it is important for students themselves (as well as others) who are Asian American, to potentially gain a cultural perspective on a particular philosophy that really underscores an Asian approach to education.

This is Confucianism. Feel free to google as your information may be more informative than this brief post. I am presenting a surgically sliced sliver of it. Those who are experts in the field, in particular, those who have studied the link between Confucianism and Asian/Asian American approaches to education, potentially academics in the field of education, please refute, or correct, as I readily admit I am not an expert. I am apologizing ahead of time as I am chopping up a field of study that has gone on for centuries into a blog post. This is the tyranny of modern information synthesis at play. I feel compelled to give a brief explanation because even this tiny bit of information I have conveyed in the past gave some relief to students as they better understood the dynamics within their own families and communities.

Confucianism and the Five Pillars

Confucius was a philosopher around 500–400 B.C. Confucianism is based on a system of hierarchies that were thought to be necessary in order to run a workable society

  • king to subject
  • husband to wife
  • parent to child
  • older sibling to younger sibling
  • friend to friend

(I believe that gender trumps age, so if you are an older female sibling, you might be called Older Sister, but I believe that your younger brother would still dominate in most matters as adults).

You can see (inevitably?) what the system of hierarchy yields. There are merits to any type of order deemed necessary to provide a society with rules to function, but there are structural inequalities here that present difficulties.

Koreans, Chinese, and many Asians are highly influenced by Confucianism. Sure, a Confucian society can also simultaneously embrace Christianity, but Confucianism runs deep…as deep as…rice and kimchi. In other words, it is foundationally there, deemed necessary for survival, and such a part of how the culture operates that it is seamless, ubiquitous, and accepted as a default barometer of how one should live, how society should function.

Women

Women didn’t come into this Confucian discussion much. So bam, right at the start this is a not a female-friendly type of ideology, but not a single religion existing today was driven by women’s leadership, viewed women’s opinions as worthy of participation within the governance of the organization, or featured women in the majority of its written texts.

Ancestor Worship

This system is also one based on ancestor worship. Confucianism offered no afterlife of heaven, harps, halos, and clouds. No angel wings. It pretty much boiled down to ancestors (note nearest ones are your parents) and I don’t believe there was much about sporting flowing diaphanous clothes or plucking stringed instruments with light streaming down on one’s angelic face. Confucianism is known as a philosophy, but there was also a period when it was followed as a religious practice, in that its principles were used to govern spiritual practice.

Parents as gods

I want you to think about this deeply. If one believes in ancestor worship, what does this make one’s parents, exactly? That’s right: gods.

You worship and do as your parents say and in turn your parents/gods will provide what is needed and so it goes through the generations.

Ponder this. Worshipping your ancestors flies in the face of monotheism. No worries though — it’s viewed now as a philosophy. And I happen to have witnessed how both Christianity and Confucian ancestor worship can be combined. Bow to Virgin Mary, bow to picture of grandparents, bow to Christmas tree. Just keeping the options open! But just hold the thought as we march through this idea…

Imperial Exams or early standardized tests

A significant part of the early system of governance in China and Korea was the Imperial Examination system. Everyone got a crack at passing the exam, and then obtaining a position in government that would elevate one’s family. Here’s where we see, despite it looking otherwise, inequality rear its head.

Who could afford to have a son (no daughter) take time off from the rice fields or woodcutting business to support the family to study all day with the help of paid tutors to pass the exam? Just a hunch, but this was not an easy way to climb the ladder of social and economic success. Because Americans love to hear that rugged individual exception story, I will concede that there were probably exceptions, but for the most part, the people who took and passed the exam would have had to have been from families that could afford to have a child who spent his days studying.

The examination system very much spoke to Confucian principles. Remember, there’s no afterlife in Confucianism, no community gathering in the sky. Once you pass the exam, you have pulled up your family’s financial, academic, social standing in the public sphere, and in the metaphysical realm. You go up, your children go up, and voila, they are worshipping an ancestor (you dead) and you are just climbing higher and higher…dead, but climbing up and up to well, just up and up… Think about this: if you pass the exam — you were more enlightened, not just financially, but spiritually.

Spiritual Ascension

What does this mean in concrete modern terms? An A means you are ascending (way to go — you’re a spiritual elite) and an F? You are lowering yourself spiritually, messing up the ancestor line! Yes, the entire clan — they are all going down-down-down into the abyss of abject failure. All for failing an exam. Because you fell asleep in math class, you are now cursing your line for 1000 years, messing up the ancestor worship! So an F becomes much more than doing lousy on one paper or exam. The student who receives this grade is spiritually descending. Greetings Beelzebub!

You can understand the pressure, drive, ambition, misery, hope, misunderstanding, despair, dreaming, and confusion that often surrounds Asian American academic performance and the relationship between parents and children. An academic letter grade linked to an expectation of spiritual elevation? Let’s face it, does getting an F mean you won’t spiritually ascend? Many would say an or an A has nothing to do with what kind of person you are spiritually. Just get to church/temple/mosque and you will be fine! You will ascend! This is all to let folks know that this getting-a-bad-grade stuff has profoundly different implications for students depending on their backgrounds.

What is baffling to many Asian American students is that given the overlay of Christianity, the American economic system of competition and capitalism, and the lack of clear reference to Confucianism, few understand their own parents’ behavior within their cultural context. Even parents may not quite understand how Confucianism works in their drive to have their children achieve. Most administrators and teachers lump this academic pressure reality into the pile of a 1st generation immigrant narrative, and yes, that it is too — but backtracking a little and understanding Confucianism may help everyone — students, parents, and faculty navigate the highs and lows of academic expectations.

 

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Belief and Philosophy Blog Divorce Reading & Writing Self-help

Writer’s Block (an excerpt from Write Your Divorce Story)

Writer’s Block

When my lawyer asked me to deliver the story in a few weeks I easily agreed, but when it came time to begin I procrastinated. I told anyone who asked that I was spending all day writing, but hours would pass and all I would have were a few hastily written words and doodling. I drank lots of coffee. I tried different pastries at a new cafe down the block. I listened to Oprah Winfrey podcasts. I watched YouTube self-help videos and every single one made sense to me, a clear sign that I was not listening to any of them. I scrolled through job postings. I didn’t write.

Writers call this writer’s block. Writer’s block translates into this: you would rather do anything other than write for any number of reasons. I think of writer’s block as a pause, a break prior to sitting down and writing. Anything can be accomplished in the stead of writing, but my personal favorite is dabbling in a myriad of small busy tasks and errands such as, oh, making sure that there are an even number of chopsticks in your kitchen drawer. The point is busyness, not completion. Instead of writing, I went for a month to high intensity training classes where I lifted sandbags and collapsed on a sweat-drenched stinky mat. My child observed me from the sidelines and told me I was the second worst person in class. I coped with my severely grieving child, wrote a book proposal (no sale), desperately looked for employment, planned an inter-island move, emptied the contents of my apartment, procured new housing, bought a car, shuttled the kid to lessons, and learned the rather complicated process of transporting rodents (pet guinea pig) in containers between islands. 

I spent considerable energy mitigating my soon-to-be-ex’s attempt to seize control of our jointly owned property thousands of miles away. I noted the lack of safety bars on my windows prior to his arrival to sign papers and pondered various arguments that might lead to an unexpected drop from an open window. Since divorce is a worst-case scenario, you think in such terms, and my anxiety refused to be quelled despite my counsel’s pragmatic take that my death would be inconvenient for my ex, and therefore unlikely. My Hong Kong lawyer repeatedly advised me to update paperwork to transfer my share of the home to my parents, so that in case of my death before the sale of my house my interest would be safeguarded for my child. He was quiet when I asked him why he advised it, and simply repeated his concern. He repeated it at least three times. Maybe four over the course of a week. Yet I could not muster up the energy to go through a title change. I was still reeling from the physical effects in the run-up to the final days before the divorce: strands of white hair appeared, my left hand could not stop shaking,  my eye seemed to permanently twitch, and insomnia was perpetual. I called my lawyer from a parking lot of a hiking trail about some paperwork issue, but was so frazzled I couldn’t track what he was saying, and asked him to repeat what he said at least three times before crying in the parking lot. He commented that I was not in the best mental state and that I would have to count on him to move everything forward and I agreed. I changed the locks, moved into my mother’s apartment, got a prescription for sleeping pills, and dropped to the skeletal weight I last claimed after a bad case of bronchitis in the run-up to my wedding. 

Was I writing? Nope. How could I write it? I was living the nightmare! Never mind writing about it! Why was I being asked to write this! What? This was worse than a dissertation! The story remained unwritten. Nothing was more unappealing than writing the narrative of how I got to this position of near-collapse. Days, then a few weeks passed. I would start, then stop. I was so bereft and adrift that I did not know how to begin to write what I knew even then, was the most significant story that I had lived in my adult life. How could I encapsulate my lived experience in mere words? How was I to possibly condense the most significant and turbulent relationship of my adult life into something manageable and readable?

An excerpt from WRITE YOUR DIVORCE STORY. This is a prescriptive non-fiction book designed to help you author your divorce story. You can use this for your legal file and/or your personal record. Write your truth to power and author your life. Register at drstephaniehan.com